What Happened to “Grown ups”
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point over the last 25 years or so sportsmanship, accountability, and character began to take a backseat in the philosophy and style of youth sports coaches, parents, and spectators. It seems to have flown the coop around the time flat top haircuts, tube socks, and cloth shorts went out of style. Now I don’t think the styling trends had anything to do with it, but the last time I saw those characteristics consistently in action from coaches, that’s what most of them were wearing. I’m not saying those coaches were perfect, they were top notch motivators and molders of young men and women, but they certainly lacked in areas that some of today’s coaches are better at. What we need is more of an even balance and blend of the hard-nosed coaches and parents of yesterday and the more even keeled softer approach that is prevalent today. Today’s adults have the chance to mold the greatest generation we have ever seen.
I’m not saying that positive characteristics don’t exist at all anymore, I know a ton of amazing coaches and parents who do top notch jobs with their athletes and teams. They lead by example and set a high standard for their athletes to follow. I’m just saying it certainly doesn’t seem to be the norm or even the expectation anymore that a coach or parent holds their young athletes accountable and guides them with strong moral character. Go to a few high school sporting events and this will be clearly evidenced by the foul language, awful sportsmanship, self-promoting nature, and overall demeanor of coaches and athletes alike. And don’t get me started me on the parents… some of you all have lost your minds and you are absolutely ruining sports for everyone-including your child. Ejections have become the norm, I feel like almost every event that I attend in high school sports ends with at least one ejection of a fan, coach, or athlete.
I’m not trying to paint a gloom and doom picture that its awful and beyond repair out there, there are still so many great kids, parents, and coaches doing the right thing, however, anything less than 100% in this area is a disservice to young athletes and the future of our world. Many of today’s coaches and parents are not willing to hold their athletes accountable because they don’t want to upset them or ruin their relationship. They view the athlete/coach or the child/parent dynamic more like a friendship and that just will never work. Young people don’t need their parents and coaches to be their friends, they need them for guidance, accountability, and growth. When they are all grown and on their own, go ahead and be their best friend, but until then they need more from you.
They need you to lead by example and show them how to function in the real world that doesn’t just hand you whatever you want because mom/dad/coach showed their asses and made a scene to get you what you wanted. We don’t always get what we want, that is called real life and guess what…life’s best lessons come from dealing with the adversity that comes from sometimes losing and not always getting your way. Young athletes need you for a purpose so much greater, to ensure that they are equipped to handle everything the future throws at them. So, adults, this is what I’m saying to you- kids don’t need you to be their friend.
People will do just about anything for their friends, good or bad. They will support them and tell them they are right even when they aren’t. They will fight for them and advocate for them when their attitudes and behaviors are simply wrong and out of line. A great friend will do just about anything to make you feel better even if it means lying to you. That is exactly why a good coach/parent can simply never be their young athlete’s friend. Athletes need adults to hold them accountable and teach them how to be successful in sports and life and they need this modeled to them. They will follow your example but rarely do as you say if you aren’t also putting it into practice. Athletics is one of the few places they will get to learn valuable lessons before heading off into the real world and having to figure it out all on their own.
I’ve recently reached my maximum capacity for dealing with poor character and unsportsmanlike behavior from athletes, coaches, parents, and spectators. At the onset of this season, myself and the other coaches on my boys and girls high school track team made it our primary focal point to restore order, character, and accountability back into the sport that we love so much. Not just with our team, but with all teams by strictly enforcing rules and stated expectations at our home meets where we have control to do so. We decided we can no longer stand idly by while watching the behaviors of coaches, athletes, and fans deteriorate to the point of utter embarrassment.
A week ago, I stood covered in blood, processing the chaos that ensued at one of our home track meets. A fight started in the stands between two fans from another team (yes, they were fans of the same team and got into a fight). On top of the already overwhelming job I am in charge of to announce the track meet, stage runners, set hurdles, answer my phone and radio every few minutes, answer questions every few seconds, and keep the dozens of people who don’t follow rules or understand what caution tape is from walking onto the track and screwing up the automatic timer I had to sprint up to the stands to break up a dang fight between spectators. Luckily a resource officer was there also, but its saddening that we even need them at sporting events to begin with.
Once that situation was under control, I ran back down the bleachers to continue the job I was there to do. No sooner did my foot hit the track, something else popped off back up at the top of the hill behind the bleachers. This time it was an athlete (from the same team as the fans who were fighting) and a spectator of another team, and they were absolutely going at it, throwing wild haymakers that were landing with alarming frequency. I sprinted up the hill and got to them just as the resource officer arrived as well. I managed to snatch one of them up while also trying to quell the chaos, which was mostly grown people inciting and making the situation worse. The other coaches from my team were close behind to help get the situation under control, but at this point we had no choice but to cancel the meet with the growing unrest, all those other kids who were doing the right thing got screwed and didn’t get to compete because of the actions of a few bad apples.
As the young man I had ahold of continued to struggle to break my grasp while continually threating to “kick my Fu($ing ass” and grown-ups shouted things like “ya’ll need to press charges” I went from adrenaline filled and hyper vigilant to extremely sad and disappointed by the world around me. I’m 6’6”, in prime shape and weigh nearly 220 pounds and I’m getting threatened by a 16-year-old who I could crush into a fine powder and adults who probably haven’t acted right a single day in their lives.
Briefly I thought to myself, why in the hell do I even do this. I’m getting paid peanuts to dedicate most of the waking hours of my life to coaching, I’m missing time with my family and not getting to see my own kids compete in their sports. As the buzz was wearing off, I began to explain to the young man that I had ahold of that I was protecting him from making a huge mistake because if I let him go, he was going to fight again, he was completely out of control. I also ensured him that as long as I had ahold of him, I wouldn’t let anyone hurt him so he just needed to calm down and then I would let him go. For a second, he seemed to process that info and I could feel the tension ease in his body, until of course, a bystander said something to set him back off and he shouted “ F$ck you” with such force that he spit blood all over my face and into my open mouth. When I tell you that I AM DONE with grown-ups, athletes, and coaches not having or teaching character and accountability I mean it. I AM DONE!
At that point, needing to get to a restroom ASAP to clean someone else’s blood out of my mouth and off of my face, I let the young man go as there were now multiple officers arriving on the scene. At this point I didn’t even realize the other blood I had all over my skin and clothes as everyone was asking me if I was ok. Truth be told, I was beyond disappointed, but I was ok, I actually thrive in those situations. My upbringing and life experience assured that I can handle just about anything life throws at me. I’ve been a bouncer at a busy night club. I spent the early parts of my career working at boot camps and group homes for court ordered youth, I’ve been in countless skirmishes, riots, and intense situations. I’ve spent the last 18 years or so of my career as a therapist and school counselor, so I also know a thing or two about a thing or two.
Someone told me I was crazy for just running up there both times and getting myself into that danger, they asked what I was thinking. I told them, I didn’t think at all, I just did it and if it happened again right now, I’d be back up there. I’m not trying to brag by saying that I’m just saying that because I had great adults in my life leading by example and teaching me from a young age how to be reliable, resilient, and trustworthy I ended up being what I consider a pretty good person who wants to help others and not see anyone get hurt.
Trust me, it is counter intuitive to my nature at times, I’m not sure if you’ve ever had blood spit in your mouth after being threatened by someone you are trying to help but it doesn’t exactly give you warm and fuzzy feelings inside. It kind of makes you want to harm them and everyone else close by that is making the situation worse.
Had I never been held accountable, learned how to act and respond appropriately, and been guided by amazing adults and coaches I imagine a lot of people would have been hurt that day and I may just be sitting in jail right now wishing I had handled it differently. Those thoughts certainly crossed my mind, but they were fleeting, and I knew what was required of me as a coach in that moment. How would I even address my team later if I acted the exact opposite of how I’ve been teaching them to act. I’m proud to say that although all of this happened extremely close to where my team was sitting, they stayed completely out of it.
That’s just one example of what we see almost every week at sporting events all over. I coach because I love to coach, and I love my athletes. It has nothing to do with money, because…well there really isn’t any money. Once you factor in what I spend on the team out of my own pocket, by the end of the season I’m typically paying to be coach. Paying to get abused by parents and spectators and athletes from other teams. Paying to miss time with my family, paying to miss seeing my kids at their own sporting events at times.
I choose to do it, so I’m not asking you to feel sorry for me, I’m just asking you other adults to step up and do your job so I can focus more on doing mine. I’m asking coaches and parents to hold yourselves and your athletes accountable, teach them the hard lessons in life that will lead to growth, resilience and adaptability.
Don’t advocate for them when they get a rightful consequence for breaking rules or not meeting expectations, take that time to explain how their actions led to their consequence and how to be better and ensure it never happens again. What are you even trying to accomplish when you do that? Each time I disqualify an athlete for clearly stated rules violations, I get an argument from a coach or parent. I’m sorry sir or ma’am but crossing the finish line, looking back at your opponent, pointing at them and saying “Fu$k you little B!tch” is NOT DEFENDABLE and you are an absolutely ridiculous human for even trying to get that ruling over turned and acting a fool in the process.
I just don’t understand what people are hoping to accomplish in that situation and many countless others like it. Have a little foresight and think to yourself “this is a great opportunity to learn an extremely valuable lesson” because it’s going to sting a whole lot worse when they do that at regional or state competition and lose a medal and/or a memory that should follow them positively for a lifetime.
I’ve disqualified two of my own athletes over the last two seasons, you want know what they said- “oh shit” which wasn’t even loud enough for anyone but me to hear, and “what the hell” as they crossed the finish line. They knew the rules and they broke them, we do NOT cuss and swear, if I hear it, they know the consequence; they didn’t fight me on it because my expectations were clearly laid out. They simply apologized, accepted their consequence, and ran their lap the next day at practice for swearing. There was no love lost, they know I still care about them, but they also know we are not friends. A friend would have looked the other way, a coach would hold them accountable for their actions no matter how minor. Whether they know it or not at the time, holding them accountable in those situations significantly decreases the likelihood that they make that mistake in the future when the stakes are much higher.
Even if all the adults around me never change and this awful trend continues, I’ll keep doing everything in my power to make sure my athletes grow in their strength of character, learn from their mistakes, and leave my team a better and more adjusted person than they were when they got there. I want them to do well on the track, but I need them to do well in their future life even more.
It’s not easy being a coach or parent, especially a good one that makes a lasting positive impact on young people. The hardest part is when they listen and begin to be the example but then those around them from other teams get away with breaking the rules and adults fail them by looking the other way and not enforcing them. It is so hard to get a young person to believe that doing the right thing is really the way to go. When they see others doing and acting as they please and getting away with it, it’s hard to keep them focused on what is important and what will guide them to a better life after high school. It’s hard, but it’s the right thing to do and we all need to start stepping up.
As hard as my coaches and I are on enforcing rules and accountability, issues will always pop up. Emotion will rule the day sometimes and bad things that are out of character will happen. Everyone is entitled to a bad moment, but if good adults aren’t in place around young people to teach lessons and hold them accountable, they’ll grow up to be the spectators fighting in the stands, the parents making coaches lives absolutely miserable and embarrassing their own children and ruining the future of sports for everyone around them. I don’t want that future for any of my athletes. That’s the future that will finally drive all of the remaining great coaches out of the profession.
I should have led this all off by saying that I am by no means perfect nor am I probably the best example there is, but I try my best every single day to make a positive impact and uphold the integrity of youth sports in an ever changing and increasingly negative climate. I’m going to make mistakes, my team is going to make mistakes, who knows what the future holds. I can’t promise that a big issue won’t arise with crew, but we’ll do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t happen twice and that we learn every possible lesson from it.
I said earlier that young people don’t needs adults to be their friends, lots will disagree, and that’s a problem. I’m telling you that I know by experience and with certainty young people need adults as a positive example of who to be and what to do way more than they need them as a buddy. If you can’t see that, I’m sorry to say, you are part of the problem. You just don’t want to do the uncomfortable things, the hard things that make them the best person that they could possibly be. You’ll have the rest of their lives once they are grown and living their very own life to be the best friend they could ever ask for, but right now they need you to step up and make sure they have a fighting chance at a good and well-adjusted adult life, you need to lead them.
I can say with great certainty that my athletes know that I care deeply for them, I show them respect and they show it right back to me. They also know that I will not wiggle with my expectations and rules and that I am indeed NOT their friend. We laugh together, we joke when appropriate, I’ll help them through sadness, anger, and tears but I will not lie to them, I will not let them think they are right when they are wrong, and I will not try to get them a reward for violating the rules and expectations that they are well aware of. A great friend would do all of those things, they have those people to vent to and tell them the things that they want to hear. They need adults to tell them the things that they NEED to hear, the things that will make them better, stronger, more resilient and equipped to thrive in life.
Like I said earlier, I AM DONE with coaches and parents shirking their responsibilities to young athletes by not teaching the values of character, resiliency, and sportsmanship. They are unequivocally and aggravatingly the problem; it IS their fault. I really don’t blame the kids and athletes all that much, they are going to do what they can get away with, that’s what young people do, they are designed to test the limits. They are also designed to crave direction, acceptance, and guidance. I’ve seen it repeatedly for the entirety of my 20 plus year career working with teens. Young people haven’t really changed all that much, the adults have, and that’s really where the problem lies. Whatever you model for them and teach them is important, that is most likely where their values will lie and the example they will follow. Trust me when I tell you, they WILL follow an example, so let it bet yours and make it great one.
I’ve never wanted to rock the boat. I’ve always wanted everyone to like me, so I’ve been kind and agreeable my whole life. I’m almost always the one to just squash something so the other person doesn’t get mad. I’ve been known to just take the blame for something I didn’t do just so someone else wouldn’t get upset and create a bad situation. I genuinely care about people and want everyone to be happy. Sometimes you have to take a stand though, and I guess this is my hill. I can’t control other teams and other people, but I can control what happens on mine and what gets enforced and prioritized when we hold a home event. It blows my mind that I’m becoming the “bad guy” amongst other adults for simply enforcing rules and expectations when in reality the entire blame falls on them for not doing their job in the first place.
If that truly makes me the bad guy then to quote the famous Wreck it Ralph, “I’m bad, and that’s good, I will never be good, and that’s not bad! There’s no one I’d rather be but me”. I’ll keep fighting this battle to honor my coaches who instilled these values in me, to keep benefiting young people, and to try and get the honor and respect back into high school sports. I’m begging others to do the same.
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